Anger Management is
a bit of a buzz word at the moment. Anger is a feeling which we need to protect
ourselves and stand up against wrongs, but anger can also lead to serious
problems. If you have reached this page I imagine that you are in some way
unhappy about your own anger or that of someone you are close to. Anger
Management does not mean repressing all your anger, but rather learning how to
deal with it so that it is helpful to you rather than destructive. Read on to
learn about anger management and discover how to transform your unhealthy anger.
Anger
is a legitimate feeling with a definite purpose
Anger is
one of the feelings we all have. We need our anger to protect ourselves. We need
our anger to stand up for ourselves and others when things are wrong. We all
need to be able to be in touch with our anger for this reason. In this way we
can see that Anger Management is not the same as denying our anger, it is
learning to deal with it in a healthy and creative way.
Anger
is not the same as rage
Sometimes when people speak of anger they seem to be thinking of rage.
These are often the people who believe some feelings are negative and should be
avoided. The sad, very sad fact is that a great deal of rage is caused by anger
which we have repressed. When we healthily express our anger as it arises, it
disappears when it has done its job and solved the particular problem it has
risen to address. Anger is not malice or vindictiveness or hate or anything
other than a healthy feeling which we have to communicate that we feel strongly
about something or feel we are being treated in an unacceptable way.
Please
see Rage for
dealing constructively with rage.
Is
alcohol causing problems with expressing our anger?
Some
people have serious problems with anger only when they are drunk. This can be
for one of two reasons, either they are repressing it when sober or they can
deal with it constructively when sober but when drunk the memories of the events
which have caused the anger return and they decide, without the guidance of
their normal mental faculties, to sort things out. People who get angry when
drunk, like people who fly into rages when sober
have issues which need to be resolved. Sorting out these issues which can be
done through counselling
and using the methods on this page can help stop this pattern. Despite what
AA says being angry does not make a person drink. However having
unresolved issues of anger can result in a person trying to sort them out when
drunk. This is a totally useless way to try to deal with these problems as being
drunk destroys a person's intellect and inner resources so rather than solving
the problem you will almost certainly discover the problem has only become worse
and you have made a bit of a fool of yourself. Learn how to resolve it soberly,
with grace. If you have a serious problem with alcohol please see Alcohol
Addiction Help.
Creative Ways of dealing with Anger Management
1. Give
yourself permission to feel your feeling. If you are angry, you are angry that
is all there is too it. You can no more not be angry when you are, than you can
not be hungry when you are hungry. Anger can be a very strong feeling to feel.
Often the problem with anger comes more from our trying to deny it. It is not
possible to deny any feeling we really feel. It simply comes back in a distorted
form. Denied anger can come back as resentment, spite or most frequently rage.
Try to feel your feeling. So often when we feel anger we immediately want to
press into action and do something about it. Try simply to feel the feeling.
Accept it! All feelings change when we accept them - though it may take a little
time because we do need to integrate our feelings. Try to own your anger. There
is a lot of energy in anger. Use that energy. Play an energetic game, go to the
gym, clean the house, get that job done that you have been putting off for
ever.. Accept yourself and your angry feeling, but also decide to be responsible
for yourself. If you are in a rage, for the time being, do not pay too much
attention to your thoughts. Indeed, while you are in a rage it is often a good
idea to pay no attention to your thoughts at all. Simply accept how you feel. If
you are in a rage, do not 'act out' your thoughts. Wait until the rage has
settled down and you will find your thoughts settle down too. The important
thing is to recognise that this is your feeling and you have the right to feel
it but not the right to intentionally hurt other people. (If you have a problem
with your anger that results in your being violent or you suffer from this from
another, please seek emergency help.)
2. Learn
Assertion
Training This will give you skills for dealing with people in such a way
that tension is incredibly reduced. Not only that, it will help you to recognise
that you have basic human rights and if people are not recognising them you will
learn to calmly stop them from treating you badly or manipulating you.
3. Do you
have a grudge against someone? Sometimes someone can harm us and it can be hard
to forgive. See our Anger
and Forgiveness page
4. There
are plenty of courses available both on and off the web which can be of help. It
is not always necessary to meet the anger full on. Sometimes by building our
inner resources, the need to feel angry lessens. Here are a few web based
courses.
More Power to You asks
you: Who programmed me? How do I re-set that old program? Am I reacting or
responding? Am I creating solutions or depleting my energy? Be guided towards
self-empowerment and living a purposeful life through this unique self-help e-mail course by
Self-Healing Expressions.
Do people and things in
your life leave you feeling drained, invalidated, unappreciated? Enroll in
Living
Deliberately ~ Guided by the Wisdom of Thoreau. In this Self-Healing
Expressions email course, author Marianne Parady taps into wisdom of American
philosopher Henry Thoreau to help guide you to:
Learn to honor
yourself and honestly evaluate your relationships.
Listen to your
inner voice as you accept and embrace the darker aspects of your being, as well
as, recognize, claim and mine the gold within you.
Examine how
self-respect can transform the way you relate to yourself and the world, and the
price of self-sabotage.
Recognize (the
most common addiction in our society) "self-abuse" and your "inner
abuser."
Honor your dreams,
your vision for your life.
Face the dark side
of your dreams such as disappointment, sadness, anger, and resentment, which
often surround your dreams – your deepest longings.
Identify and
manifest your authentic dreams. Finally, simplify your life
by eliminating the "shoulds" and "ought to's" – the things and people that drain
you. And embrace the things and people that empower, nurture and enliven you --
as you begin to "live
deliberately."
Learn
effective coping behaviors for Anger Management. Learn how to stop anger from
escalating and to resolve conflicts which arise. This is a workbook course in
anger Management with graduated assignments to allow you to apply your newly
acquired skills. Also available in video and individual programs. You can find
it at Growth
Central. They have workbooks and course on a wide range of self help topics
including Anger Managerment, Anger Management for Kids and Teens, Self Esteem,
Assertiveness Training.
Aristotle once said: "Anyone can become angry - that is easy. But to be
angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the
right purpose, and in the right way - that is not easy." This site is primarily
concerned with helping Parents deal with issues of anger but if you look at
their second link to the Angry Toolbox,
it offers a program of help for all with anger issues.
4. Is
your anger really anger? An enormous number of people who act angry are really
hurt. Anger can be a way of protecting ourselves from feeling this pain. It
seems easier to just be angry than to be vulnerable and feel our pain. But the
way out is to feel the real feeling. If you feel this might be you then you
might like to consider Counselling
or have a look at the following sites which offer helpful creative ways to deal
with all feelings. A
Healing Place. and Colour
Therapy -this page leads you to their page on Emotional Intelligence.
It
really is important when dealing with anger to realise that anger is a necessary
feeling because a lot of our problems with inappropriate anger comes when we
don't believe this and so in some way fear our anger or believe it is
bad. For more ideas on how to approach anger and frustration visit emotion toolkit and read their page on
anger and frustration. Do this first and if you are still feeling angry and
frustrated and that none of your questions is being answered visit Psyche Help Here you will find an on
line self help book. Chapter 7 is on anger and covers just about every question
you could have.
