Sometimes however, you do not need to be in contact
with the person. Maybe you actually cannot be in contact with them. In
this situation you may be able to see very clearly what they have done
wrong and you are angry. This is natural. There is strength in anger.
Your anger is saying you have no intention in allowing this person to
treat you in this way. I believe we have a need to feel this anger and
be aware of what it is telling us. However a time comes when we want to
be able to let go of the anger and that time will differ depending on
the person and the situation. Sometimes it may take a long time, others
less. We have this anger and we have felt it and we have been able to
see clearly how the other person has acted but they do not acknowledge that they have done anything wrong. How, oh how can we forgive them?
Some people suggest you just forgive, other people quite honestly say,
"Sorry, that doesn't work. Just saying I 'should' forgive someone, does
not make it happen!" How do we move into the arena of forgiveness when
all the time we are thinking "I want to make sure that person is never
able to do that to anyone else!".
If there is a lawful way that you can correct the
situation then you can try that. I do however feel a need to make a
proviso here. Clearly if someone has managed somehow or other to steal
your money, it is correct to try and get it back. Likewise if someone
is a danger to others then they need to be somewhere which will keep
society safe but I do not subscribe to the revenge tactics built into
most of our justice systems. This page is after all on forgiveness and
while it is morally correct that a person right their wrongs an
attitude of forgiveness does not seek revenge. Understanding the
process by which some people 'fall by the wayside' and harm others can
be of great help in allowing us to move into forgiveness. I highly
recommend checking out the Boston Research Centre. Restorative Justice
Seminar Series. Seminar 1.Exploring the Healing Paradigm:
Victims, Perpetrators, and Accountability.
Forgiveness means that you yourself will not hold
any malice towards that person and in doing this you free yourself from
a great deal of the harm the person did to you. Without forgiveness we
cannot move on. Forgiveness works and forgiveness heals the person who
forgives. How do we move into a place where we can forgive?
We do not move into this place by
pretending we have forgiven when we have not. But we can move into it
by deliberately asking for the help and guidance from a deeper part of
ourselves (or God, if that is your orientation). We accept our feelings
but begin to acknowledge that we would like to be able to forgive. It
is after all no fun living with hate and malice. Then, depending on our
orientation we can say something like, 'I can't forgive this person
God, it is up to you' or 'I cannot forgive this person but I am willing
to be able to'. I must say that in this particular instance the concept
'God' is a very helpful one, because we are not yet ready to forgive
and yet we are acknowledging we do not want to live with this anger and
resentment for ever. The point is, whatever your belief in spirituality
or any higher power use that. You could say, My conscious mind does not
want to forgive but I am willing for my unconscious mind to do it, or
My ego does not want to forgive but I would be grateful if my true self
did! You are in this situation, being totally honest. You are not
denying your feelings, though you may have come to the conclusion that
the anger has probably done as much as it can and you would like to
move on.
Once you have begun this when you feel your anger
and possibly bitterness to the person coming on, say again, I cannot
forgive this person, will you God, true self or whatever or whoever you
have chosen. Don't try to manipulate the situation. If you tell
yourself you must
forgive the person it won't work. Just notice when the anger and
memories are beginning to stir and tell whatever you are using to help
you, that you are feeling the anger again, you cannot forgive the
person, can they? Just do this and then let go. Keep doing this and in
time you will find that you have begun to forgive them. You will have
healed yourself from the negativity their act had on you.
Forgiveness heals the person who forgives. I have
used this technique and have found it works. It works with no need for
pretence. I believe it works because we are getting our unconscious
mind on our side. Our unconscious mind to a large extent believes
whatever we tell it. It is however more than just getting in touch with
our unconscious. By letting go and focusing our attention by asking for
help, we get in touch with an inner aspect of ourselves which we can
call our higher self or true self. Until now all we have been doing is
reliving the incident and this incident is unresolvable on its own
terms. What the person has done may indeed have been very wrong, but
once we have done everything we can to right the situation, the only
thing left is to forgive. For some reason this person acted in the
manner they did. Like it or not the reason is because at some time
something happened which harmed them and they have not as yet managed
to heal this. Now, we may not be able to change that, indeed given that
they have harmed us, the chances of us being able to heal them unless
they acknowledge the wrong they have done is virtually nil. But when we
forgive them, they can no longer harm us and we ourselves do not join
in the on going saga of 'I have been hurt so I am going to hurt someone
else'. We free ourselves and our energy from what they have done to us
and allow ourselves to become alive and conscious in our activity. We
may be surprised to discover that although we will never accept that
what they did was acceptable, with time we may even feel compassion for
them .. I know that may take some imagination at the beginning but it
is in no way impossible. We get in touch with a deeper, wiser part of
ourselves and instead of anger and hate we feel warmth inside and that
warmth nourishes us and those we are close to. The next time we feel
angry, then just feel it. We all need all our feelings but we don't
need to harm others.
Holding a grudge against someone, even with the very best of reasons,
blocks us. This technique if you feel able to use it sincerely, does
work. However, if you are going through a great deal of anger and hate
because of how you have been treated and you feel unable to try this,
then I do recommend finding a good counsellor
to help you work through the situation, be able to let go, free your
energy and get on with your life with a renewed and increased feeling
of aliveness.
"An eye for an eye will only leave the world blind" Mahatma Gandhi
