Boundaries are the
basis of all good communication.
No matter what else is going
on, if we do not protect our boundaries
and respect those of others, then
communication has more to do with
manipulation or even verbal
warfare than true communication.
Communication for human beings is
food for the soul but so often communication
with others tends to be draining
rather than energising. This
is most often due to the question
of boundaries.
Basic to respect
for boundaries is a respect for
our right to make our own choices.
If our perception of
ourself is so weak that we need
others to agree with our position
then we are going to find things
difficult. We will tend
to be either a passive person acting
as a doormat or an over aggressive
one, angrily believing that people
who do not think the same as us,
are in some way inferior or wrong.
Boundaries are crossed when
someone believes they can ‘see through’
another person. Boundaries
are crossed when anyone tries to
manipulate another person and boundaries
are crossed if ever someone tries
to make decisions for another.
Making decisions
for another person is indeed a grave
attack on their right to autonomy
and it is surprisingly used today
in many situations where it should
most certainly not be. It
has been known, for instance, for
some counsellors to ‘give advice’
when giving advice is the very last
thing any good counsellor would
do. There are also many people
who seem to want someone else to
‘tell them what to do’ as if they
were still young children, unable
to make their own choices. Of
course in certain situations it
is perfectly sensible to follow
what someone else says. There
would be no point in, for instance
asking for directions and then not
following the advice. There
are indeed many situations in life
where we lack knowledge and need
to ask for and follow advice. Here
it is both sensible to ask for and
to follow the advice given. The
other person has knowledge which
we do not and which we need. But
when dealing with choices
about how to deal with personal
relationships or what to think,
believe, like and nurture, there
is only one person who we should
be listening to and that is ourself.
The reason for this is exactly the
same as the reason we should take
advice from lawyers, doctors and
so on. In their sphere of
work they have the most knowledge,
but when the problem is about personal
choices then the person who has
the most knowledge of you is you
yourself and you are the only person
who can find the choice which is
right for you.
Obviously there
is a problem if we do not trust
ourselves sufficiently or for some
reason feel so intimidated by others
that we find difficulty in making
personal decisions. Clearly
this is not a happy situation. It
is after all your life and it would
be better if you were the person
choosing how it is lived. A great
deal of the time our responses are
simply habitual, based on our past
experiences.
There are several
ways in which it is possible to
move out of habitual responses to
do what others want and to learn
instead to trust yourself. Good
counselling
is one. Humanistic counselling
respects a person as an individual
and works to help you be more in
contact with yourself and this is
nowhere presented in such a healthy
way as in Rogerian
Counselling. This is totally non
directive counselling where the
counsellor’s job is to help you
get in touch with your inner feeling
self and your own inner resources.
In this type of
counselling the counsellor doesn't
take responsibility for your behaviour,
emotions and thoughts - they are
your own responsibility, but the
counsellor does take on a strong
responsibility to be there with
you on your journey.
Meditation
can be very helpful for many people.
It may be that here there
is some need to be careful to choose
whether you ’add’ anything to your
meditation. Some people nowadays
are complaining that meditation
is a kind of cult activity making
people go into trance states. This
is certainly not the essence of
meditation and possibly comes about
when meditation is used within a
particular framework. A particular
sect or community may have a certain
way of meditating which emphasises
their beliefs for instance. Meditation,
when done simply as meditation improves
concentration, allows a person to
be more focused, more in touch with
their own reality, to be active
in the present with an increased
sense of aliveness. It is not for
everyone but can be a great help
in staying in touch with yourself
when dealing with the demands of
every day life. John Kabat-Zimm,
although himself a Buddhist, has
some excellent books and tapes on
meditation without religion - Mindfulness
Meditation comes to mind. He simply
gets people to focus on the now,
experiencing the now, not trying
to change it. You may be surprised
at how little you actually do experience
the now and also at what a good
feeling it is to do so, regardless
of what is arising.
Another excellent
way for grounding yourself and finding
out how you really feel is Focusing
. This teaches you how to
work on yourself along the lines
that research found the people who
‘grew’ most from therapy worked
on themselves. Again it is
a totally non intrusive way of helping
you to find your own inner resources
and autonomy.
Once you are in
touch with that you will find you
can think for yourself and almost
certainly you will start to notice
that you have a free spirit! From
this place, experiencing your own
uniqueness you will no longer need
or wish for others to think and
feel the same as you. Life
would after all be boring if we
were all the same. Knowing yourself,
you will respect the uniqueness
that is another person.
Obviously it will
not all be that easy as there are
many people around who do not have
access to their inner self and unfortunately
they will still wish to control
you in order that they may feel
secure.
Boundaries are our
own special space which we need
around us to protect our identity
and integrity. We can work
on ourselves till the cows come
home but if our boundaries are not
well protected, then as a person
becomes more open they can find
the emotion turmoil as others overstep
their boundaries even harder to
endure.
There is happily
a training which provides skills
which will allow you to protect
your boundaries without emotional
drainage. This is Assertion
Training. Although Assertion
Training is known to be particularly
helpful to people who are either
too passive or aggressive, it can
be of value to absolutely anyone.
It is also not itself a therapy.
It is a skills training but
whatever your present situation
it will make communication with
others so much easier. Assertion
Training is a way of working
where everyone wins, no one loses
and it does by being a set
of skills which teach people to
respect each others boundaries.
When we do that, we can all
get on with our right to be who
we are in this world, while also
respecting other people’s right
to do the same. In other words
we respect boundaries and when we
do communication becomes real,
alive and nourishing. Boundaries
are the basis of all good communication.
